When couples with children separate, while the romantic relationship ends, the parenting relationship continues. Co-parenting can be extremely daunting, especially due to the emotional aftermath of a break-up. While it can be challenging, when we discuss ways to uphold a stable and supportive environment, we can protect our children’s well-being and help everyone heal through the transition.
keeping children's needs as the priority
It is important that throughout the process of co-parenting, the needs of the children are prioritized, and that we refrain from involving them in parental conflicts. Research shows that children benefit most when they feel secure and loved by their parents. A few goals for co-parenting therapy might look like:
- Focus on the children’s needs, routines and emotional well being
- Avoid bringing the children into parental conflicts or inviting them to feel required to pick sides (i.e no messages being sent through the children or bad-mouthing the other parent in the child’s presence)
- Uphold regular schedules so children know what to expect
- Recognize your roles as parents, and how you can support one another to support your child best
Navigating co-parenting is not easy, but going into it with a clear, constructive approach to prioritizing the children’s needs can build a strong foundation for everyone involved.
Self-Reflection:
- Think to yourself: Is this decision about my child’s well-being, or about my feelings towards my ex-partner?
keeping communication Constructive
Communicating with your ex-partner may bring up past and/or present feelings you have towards them and can make communication less supportive. By reframing your perspective on the relationship with your ex as being one that is for parenting purposes can help you to be more professional in nature and can help to ensure communication remains productive, and in the best interest of your children.
Use these guidelines to ensure communication is respectful, intentional, and only when necessary:
- Use clear, accurate, and brief language
- Ex. “Just confirming drop-off is at the community centre at 5pm. Please let me know if there are any changes” “Confirmed. Drop off at 5 tomorrow. See you then”
- Work together to decide what updates about your children feel important to share with one another
- Respond within a reasonable timeframe
- Utilize shared tools for consistency and predictability (i.e. a shared calendar)
- Avoid revisiting past relationship issues/arguments and applying blame/sarcasm onto one another
Recognizing that parents may separate due to frequent/high conflicts, misaligned values, or lack of romantic connection, try to ensure that communication remains respectful and is relayed neutrally to one another.
collaborating on a co-Parenting Plan
Creating a co-parenting plan can help prevent confusion and arguments between parents. It helps keep everyone on the same page, prioritizes clarity and efficiency for parents and provides a stable, and predictable routine for the children. It is important to create this plan with your co-parent to have equal input in scheduling pick-ups and drop-offs while remaining united in your decision-making roles.
When creating this plan, consider:
- Parenting schedules
- Ex. What days the children spend with each parent, which holidays will be spent with each parent etc.
- Transportation details
- Ex. Where pick-ups/drop offs occur
- Decision-making roles and responsibilities
- Ex. Who is involved in health care-related appointments, religious gatherings, extracurricular activities etc.
- Financial arrangements
- Ex. How you will be navigating expenses when related to the child(ren)
- Communication expectations
- Ex. Response times, updating each other on children’s whereabouts, school-related concerns etc.
It is important to revisit the plan every so often to monitor what works best, and what may need to be revised – this is especially important as the children grow up. What once worked when they were younger may not work as they reach their teenage years, and so on. It is important to remember that while family lawyers are often great supports in creating co-parenting plans – so are therapists! Our parent therapists can support you in better identifying your needs and values and guide you in developing the tools and strategies needed to navigate co-parenting with confidence.
Setting clear Boundaries
When co-parenting, having clear boundaries can prevent conflicts and confusion between each member of the family. Boundaries are distinct from rules, where the former ensures stability and respect, and the latter ensures consistency and expectations.
Some boundaries you may want to consider are:
- Only discussing relevant topics with co-parent
- Ex. No mention of personal lives, dating etc. unless it directly impacts/affects the child(ren)
- Keeping conversations brief, and children-oriented
- Being present when expected
- Ex. No surprise visits
- Remaining consistent with co-parenting plan
- Maintain respect for each parent’s household rules while remaining aligned on non-negotiables
- Ex. Bedtimes, homework routines, limits on screentime
Resolving conflicts in a timely manner
Even with boundaries, clear expectations and a mutually built co-parenting plan, disagreements can still occur. Repairing conflicts as they happen is important to prevent them from becoming recurring, or long-term issues. While we may be keeping communication to a minimum, we can still reach out to our co-parent and repair the conflict in a healthy way.
Ways to make a repair attempt may look like:
- A brief apology
- Try saying: “I apologize for how I responded to you. I was stressed, and I didn’t mean for it to come out that way”.
- A clarifying message
- Try: “I realize I misunderstood what you meant in saying..”
- Conversational reset
- Try suggesting: “Let’s start over and revisit the plan we created”
Children do not need perfect parents. We can make mistakes too, and they are learning opportunities for us just as much as they are for our kids. We can demonstrate how to take accountability and navigate mistakes with maturity by starting with our own missteps.
accessing mental health support as parents
While navigating the end of your romantic relationship, and exploring your identity as a co-parent, it is important that you have support through this just as you are supporting your children. These changes can feel overwhelming, uncertain, and isolating, but you do not have to go through this alone. Co-parenting requires emotional stamina, and when we take care of ourselves as individuals, we can be more present and empowering for our children.
We offer a range of different services that may be suitable for you and your unique situation.
- Individual therapy – therapy for yourself
- Family therapy/Couples therapy – available to families and/or co-parents
- Parent therapy – available to individual parents, or for both co-parents
There are other available supports within your community and online that can help reduce the mental load you carry.
- Support groups (for separated/divorced or single parents)
- Mindfulness and/or grounding practices
keeping conversations child-friendly
We hold our children close to our hearts, and it’s normal to feel as if we are leaving them in the dark about the other things that are going on for us (ex. our jobs, relationship concerns or legalities involved with co-parent or a new partner, etc.). However, separating our children from our adult conversations can improve parent-child relationships, and prevent children from being burdened with our concerns.
Topics you may want to avoid discussing with your children may be:
- Financial stress
- Legal/Divorce updates
- Complaints or criticism about their other parent
- Decisions children are not developmentally ready to make (i.e. which parent they want to see more often, deciding if/when to relocate etc.)
Children can be quite curious, especially if they notice changes happening at home. If they bring up any difficult topics, or ones you are not ready to discuss, remember to keep your responses simple and neutral.
parallel parenting in high-conflict scenarios
Co-parenting relationships are just as unique as we are – There is no one-size-fits-all approach to co-parenting, which calls for some flexibility and consideration of your family dynamics. In some circumstances, co-parenting relationships can be too high conflict or unsafe to foster collaboration. Although it might appear to be stressful, co-parenting is still possible if we adopt a Parallel Parenting approach.
Parallel Parenting reflects two parents who navigate their households independently but make major decisions as a united front. In this approach, communication between parents is very minimal, and only when absolutely necessary. Taking this approach to co-parenting can reduce conflict between parents, and prioritize a safe space for your child(ren).
Parallel parenting involves:
- Strict boundaries between parents
- Limited communication (typically using written channels to communicate to avoid escalation)
- Structured schedules
- Separate decision-making where appropriate
final words
Co-parenting requires intention, effort, and consistency, but it is not as impossible as it might feel. With effective communication skills, planning, and emotional support, you can build resilience within yourself, and your child(ren) to encourage a healthy, happy family. Focusing on your child(ren)’s needs can help you build structure with your co-parent, and help your family thrive in a way that works best for all of you.
