Singleness is Different from Aloneness

We have all likely experienced a time where we have either sympathetically responded to someone who reports they are single, or have been witness to this type of interaction. There’s a common misconception associated with singleness where it is believed the unpartnered person is lonely and  seeking a romantic relationship.

Even more maladaptive are the common assumptions that people are single because of their inability to sustain a relationship, their unworthiness of partner(s), and other outlandish ideas ALL of which typically locate the problem in the person who is single.

“We tend to think of being single as a matter of being alone rather than a matter of choosing the types of relationships we want to be in”

– Esther Perel

singleness vs. loneliness

It is worth considering that someone who is single may be neither seeking a relationship nor lonely. The term loneliness can describe any person, partnered or single!

Singleness can be a valuable time of self-discovery in which skills are mastered, hobbies are discovered, and an individual becomes self-aware and confident, independent of a partner (Book Soup Official, 2021).

Alone vs. Lonely

Being alone means that an individual is physically present without another person; this occurs anytime one person sits in a room in the absence of another.

In contrast, loneliness is a state of being in which someone feels dissociated from or unfulfilled by their relationships (Julle-Daniere, 2020). An example of loneliness is a spouse who has felt disconnected from their significant other and feels lonely in their marriage.

While it is true that single people may live alone and participate in activities and social engagements alone, if their relationships with themselves, friends, family, fur-babies and/or others are rich and fulfilling, they likely will not experience loneliness.

What if I am Lonely?

Whether single or partnered, loneliness can prove to be a challenging experience that may be harmful to one’s mental health. In such cases, some strategies may be helpful in combatting loneliness and enhancing one’s sense of support and well-being:

  • Journaling – reflecting on what you most value, hope or want for yourself, or what you might notice to shift experiences of loneliness, even if just slightly! 
  • Reaching out to loved ones
  • Joining a shared interest group
  • Attending a class or workshop 
  • Exercising (especially in nature)
  • Volunteering for a local cause
  • Seeking mental health support

Benefits of Being Single and/or Alone

Whether it is by choice or temporary, there are benefits to alone time, as stated by Julle-Daniere (2020): “Being alone is a chance for you to refocus on yourself, on your needs, on what makes you feel good” (para 11).

This refocus may sound daunting; however, self-reflection can lead to discovering activities that bring happiness and fulfillment into one’s life and enhance social interactions and future relationships.

Being alone also allows our senses and minds to rest; this rest can become meditation, which has many health benefits (Julle-Daniere, 2020).

In the end, rather than assuming that our single friends are lonely, and feeling rushed ourselves to be in a relationship, might we consider the possibility that singleness allows for an opportunity to focus on an incredibly significant relationship, the one that they have with ourselves?

Reflective questions to consider When you are experiencing singleness and/or aloneness:

  • (1) What is more possible for me and the relationships in my life because of my singleness and/or aloneness?

  • (2) What is the best part about being single and/or alone?

  • (3) What is the most challenging part about being single and/or alone?

  • (4) What skill, technique, resource might I need to lean into in order to best combat some of the challenging aspects?

Putting it into action

Now that you’ve familiarized yourself with the Four Horsemen and how to curb them, you have the essential skills to manage conflict in a healthy way. As soon as you see one of Horsemen trotting their way into your relationship, remember these antidotes. Be attentive and mindful. The more you can identify and counteract these negative communication patterns – the greater your likelihood of having a stable and happy relationship!


Picture of Katie Mastromattei

Katie Mastromattei

Relationship Therapy Centre in Mississauga and Burlington Logo

The Relationship Therapy Centre supports individuals, children, couples, teens, and families in Mississauga and Burlington. Virtual therapy is offered across Canada. Understand yourself and build deeper connections.

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