Children often lack the words to describe how they feel, so they use actions and behaviours to model what’s going on for them. Some behaviours they exhibit might cause concern, especially if what they are modeling is outside of the norm for their age. Whether your child is acting out, or avoiding family, knowing what to do can be challenging. In this blog, we will dive into the common behavioural concerns in children, what they mean, how you can support them as their parents, and how therapy can help.
Understanding behaviour as communication
Children are constantly communicating, even if they aren’t using words. Behaviour can reflect their emotions, inner thoughts, stressors they can’t find the words to explain, or display their unmet wants and needs. If we can look at their behaviour through the lens of “What might they be trying to tell me”, we can begin to shift our responses from punishment, to genuine understanding.
It is also important to recognize that children’s behaviour is on a spectrum. Some behaviours at certain ages are developmentally important for their growth. Although, if that same behaviour persists, or intensifies at a different age, it may begin to interfere with daily functioning.
common behavioural concerns & what they mean
1. Acting Out (Aggression, Defiance, Tantrums)
When children are “acting out”, it can look like hitting, yelling, throwing things, or having a meltdown. These behaviours might uniquely show up in your children, but the underlying message is often emotional overwhelm. These behaviours might reflect:
- Difficulty in regulating their emotions
- Frustration with boundaries/rules/expectations
- Stress, relating to school, friendships or family changes
- A need for reassurance or comfort
These behaviours might seem disruptive, but they indicate that a child’s nervous system is overloaded with emotions they don’t know how to express in a healthy way. Without knowing this, we may be inclined to perceive these behaviours as intentionally “misbehaving”.
2. Withdrawal or Avoidance
In other instances, children may respond to distress by avoiding or pulling away rather than acting out. These behaviours might look like:
- Avoiding family interactions
- Spending lots of time alone
- Loss of interest in activities they previously enjoyed
- Quiet compliance paired with emotional distance
Withdrawal can be a sign of anxiety, sadness, low self-esteem, feeling misunderstood or feeling unsafe expressing emotions. The way children use behaviours to express themselves can vary, so it is important to learn how your children uniquely express themselves so you can better understand what kind of support they might need.
3. Regression
As children grow up, they adopt a set of behaviours that are typical for that age. However, some childhood experiences can lead them to progress backwards, otherwise known as regression. Some life experiences that influence regression are:
- Major life changes like moving, parental divorce, or the birth of a new sibling
- Trauma and/or loss
- Starting school and/or returning after a break
Regression is the child’s way of seeking comfort and stability. They may not consciously regress to old behaviours, but rather act in ways that they understand will grant them more attention and care from their parents. Regression behaviours may look like bedwetting, thumb sucking, or clinginess during times of high stress.
4. Anxiety-Based Behaviours
When children are anxious, they might show it through the following behaviours:
- Frequent stomach pain or headaches
- Excessively seeking reassurance
- Ex. “Are you sure I’m not in trouble?” “Is this okay/Did I do it right?”
- Avoiding school or social situations
- Needing/Sticking to rigid routines or perfectionism
As anxiety is more-so experienced internally, behavioural signs of anxiety can be subtle and misunderstood as being shy, or stubborn.
If you are interested in learning more about what behavioural disorders may look like in children, take a look at this online resource that explores different diagnoses, treatments and available supports!
what you can do as a parent
Respond to the Emotion, Not Just the Behaviour
Knowing how to support your child can be challenging, especially when we are unaware of what their behaviours are indicating. A strong place to start would be trying to name what you observe, rather than trying to prevent or stop the behaviour. If your child appears to be acting out, try saying “It looks like you’re really frustrated right now”
By meeting them with emotional validation, we can help our children feel seen. Overtime, this can reduce their emotional intensity and help guide them to the words that describe what they are feeling.
Create Predictability and Safety
Creating stability for your children can look like setting routines and clear expectations with them. When children know what to expect, their capacity to cope increases.
We can strengthen this by responding to them with calmness and compassion, allowing them a safe space to share what they are feeling in a way that makes sense to them.
Model Emotional Regulation
Children pay attention to the way adults interact around them. When we respond to situations with anger, or frustration, they may believe that this is an okay response and will learn to express the same reaction in similar situations. By demonstrating calmness through deep breathing, taking breaks, and talking through our emotions, we can teach our children emotional regulation skills they will eventually learn to practice themselves.
Encourage Expression
Children express their thoughts and feelings in a way that feels safe and makes sense to them. Sometimes, they use other outlets like drawing, playing, journalling, or physical activity instead of verbal language. Using other actions to express their feelings is okay and normal, but at times when they do use words, make sure you acknowledge and praise them for it.
Try saying:
- “Thank you for telling me you’re angry instead of slamming the door”
- “I appreciate you sharing that your feelings were hurt by that instead of throwing your toys”
As parents, it’s important that we help our children to express their feelings. This will help them recognize and welcome their emotions as they age, showing them that emotions are normal, and they do not have to be internalized.
when to consider therapy
Behavioural challenges are a normal part of their development. They are learning how to express themselves and exploring how it feels to live in their body. However, some children may experience significant behavioural challenges, where having additional support in place could support their healthy development. In such cases, beginning therapy can show them ways to recognize the physical signs of emotion before the feeling becomes overwhelming and leads to acting out.
Some key signals to look out for are if:
- Behaviours persist over time or worsen
- Emotional reactions intensify, or appear disproportionate to the situation
- Behaviours interfere with school, friendships or family life
- Your child appears distressed, withdrawn, or overwhelmed
- You feel unsure of how to support them despite your best efforts
Therapy is not meant to “fix” their behaviour, but rather provides a safe space for them to learn what emotions look and feel like, and how to express them in a healthy way. In session and with your support, your children can learn emotional awareness, coping skills, and self-regulation techniques, through play, art or talk therapy.
how therapy can help children & parents
Child therapy focuses predominantly on the child but also involves the parents as well. Being involved in the child therapy process can help you understand what your child is trying to tell you through their behaviour, how to support their use of emotional regulation techniques, and how you can show up for them in a way they will understand.
Together, you and your child’s therapist can:
- Help your children identify and express emotions safely
- Support your child in adopting age-appropriate coping and regulation strategies
- Strengthen parent-child communication
- Reduce family stress and strengthen family connections
Therapy for children is focused on showing the child that their feelings make sense. Supporting them from a young age supports their emotional awareness, and prepares them to grow into a confident, supported, and grounded version of themselves.
final words
At times, behaviour might seem random. When children act out, or withdraw from situations, they are showing where they might benefit from support the most. By meeting them with curiosity, patience, and a supportive mindset, parents can help their children navigate their emotions and build resilience that lasts beyond childhood.
